Forgive me blog… for I have been ignoring you.
Here is a little something to keep my readers entertained until I have the energy to come back full force.
Here is a piece by Ruba Haj Hassan, that had me doubling over in laughter.
Awkwardness… and Toilet Paper
You know that feeling when you wake up on New Year’s Day and your friends send you a link to a drunk video of yourself on YouTube climbing a wardrobe screaming, “I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA”? Well, this is nothing like that. This is about a whole different kind of awkward. Do you ever feel like you’re unable to perform any mundane task without creating an awkward situation for yourself and those around you? Do you ever feel like you can’t achieve any form of human contact without excessive awkwardness involved? Well, I’m here to tell you that you are not alone. (Unless you’re in the bathroom. Then you are. Go to class.) Naturally, I’m an awkward person. For some strange and unexplained reason I often find myself in weird situations, unsure of how I got there or why I have a turtle on my head. And I’m sure I’m not the only one. (I think. That’s what I tell myself at night.) Sometimes it’s not our fault at all. Sometimes the universe just creates chaos around us to amuse itself with our awkwardness. (Not cool, Universe.) So this is to all you social outcasts who suffer from the same thing. These are just a few examples of the awkward occurrences you might have to deal with everyday.
Number 1: Stairs.
I want to know what stairs’ problem is. What the heck, stairs? Who invented you anyway? All you do is make me fall. Personally, I would have called them The Descent of Shame… but no one lets me name anything. You know those stairs. The ones with the 4-feet-long steps that were apparently made for our giant ancestors, or Big Foot. (Are our ancestors real?) There is no right way of walking down these stairs. You can either take two short steps on each stair or extremely long ones. Either way, you will look stupid. There is no graceful way to descend these stairs. It is best to get it over with fast. You have to accept that at some point in time, you will fall down these stairs. People will stare. You will pretend to be invisible. It will become clear that you cannot pretend you are invisible. You will walk away quickly.
Number 2: Acquaintances
It’s not that I don’t like people. It’s that they scare me. They’re all like: “I know you! Let’s converse!” And I’m like: “But I have nothing to say. And all I can think of is unicorns and chocolate bunnies.” And they’re like: “This is awkward, I’m leaving.” And I’m like: “Wait! BUNNIES!” And thus, I find myself in a quandary. (Quandary: A state of confusion. See also: “Pickle”.) What am I doing wrong? Usually I manage to avoid these kinds of situations by ducking for cover every time I spot someone who slightly resembles someone my cousin thinks is familiar. If that doesn’t work, I pretend to be a tree. But every once in a while, my tree mimicking methods fail me. And I’m forced into having an actual conversation. I try to avoid the subject of bunnies, and hopelessly attempt to find interesting common ground. (It’s not my fault you have no opinion on communism in egalitarian societies.) Naturally this results in an awkward situation where my friend spends the rest of his day trying to figure out what happened. Poor, poor friend. (He’s not dead. I didn’t kill him.)
Number 3: Bathrooms.
More like badrooms. Get it? Bad-rooms? It’s like bathrooms, but with bad… I swear I’m funny sometimes. Public bathrooms are a very awkward place to be in. Especially when people speak to each other through stalls like it’s the most natural thing in the world, while you’re trying to make a seat protector out of pieces of toilet paper. (You know you do it too.) And then you’re thinking; should you flush while the other person is talking? Is that rude? What if they get mad? Is there some kind of bathroom etiquette? LIKE I NEED MORE AWKWARDNESS IN MY LIFE. It really sucks when people stare at you in there. Everybody knows you’re supposed to look straight in the mirror and avoid any form of eye contact. Did you not get that memo, Person Who Stares At Me To No End? It makes me think you’re laughing at my hair. It’s not THAT bad, okay? Apparently they have a lot of conversations in there. I was surprised too. What kind of idiot decided it was a good idea to socialize in a bathroom? Most of said conversations go like this: “I like your blouse.”- “Thanks!”- “…DO YOU LIKE MY PANTS??” -“Uh… yeah, yeah they’re great.”- “I got a new phone.” -“Oh. Cool.”- “It’s pink.”- “Okay.”- “WANNA TOUCH IT?”- “Uh…”
Number 4: Elevators… or Doors, or really Anything That Moves.
So I’m waiting for the elevator, minding my own business (tra la la!), and a guy stands next to me. The elevator comes and the nice guy steps back and lets me go in first. I chipper a cheerful “Thank you!” to Nice Guy and walk in. After an awkward silence in the elevator, we reach our floor and the doors open. This is where I panic. Should I walk out first? If I do, should I say “thank you” again? Does the first one still count? Or should I return Nice Guy’s polite gesture by letting him go first? What if he expects me to? What if he wants to continue his act of chivalry, though? What if it’s impolite? WHAT IF NICE GUY DOESN’T LIKE ME ANYMORE?! Usually, Nice Guy is a normal person who politely waits for me to walk out first and forgets about the whole thing in two seconds. I, on the other hand; spend the next hour agonizing over every awkward detail. I usually end up spilling something on someone later though, so it gives me something else to think about.
In time, you learn to adapt to your awkwardness. (Not really. I lie because I care.) But you know who else was awkward? Lady Gaga, that’s who. And she’s like totes cool now. If she manages to not blind us with all her glitter, that is. (Unless you’re already blind. Then you can’t read this. I could totally make fun of you. But I won’t, because making fun of blind people isn’t funny. Ever. Except sometimes.) I hope this helped some of you awkward souls out there, and other people who read my articles. (Hi mom.) But don’t worry, everybody knows all the great world leaders were awkward. (Except for Hitler. He just needed a hug.) I leave you now with some wise words by the great Rene Descartes: “I smell; therefore I am.” See you on the other side, kids.