I’ve promised you a juicy post about a certain hidden Moulin rouge amidst the streets of Cairo. I will repeat for those of you who missed the earlier posts.

At the intersection of Syria and Sudan, (those are street names, just in case) lies embedded a shimmering microcosm of the world.

The only picture I could get with my phone

“Sit El Koll”, the name of said cabaret translates to “Everyone’s Lady”; conveniently the place really is what the name suggests.

The first time I stepped in I was so intrigued that I ran my own little tiny investigation on the inner workings of this place. I have been a customer for three separate visits and can now safely spread my observations.

The first things that catch your attention are the sparkling blue and red lights draping the walls and ceiling. Not to mention the “Happy Birthday” signs they have had up for God knows how long.

I will proceed by describing the characters you would find inside. Please note I have grouped them and named them as I see fit.

The entertainers:

What appeared to be the lowest class of female entertainment were all wearing red and black. The entertainers flow from table to table drinking and flirting with the customers, occasionally dancing for them.

That is their sole purpose.

They are not especially good looking. One has gap teeth, many are overweight, and some are just plain gross.

There were a couple pretty ones. One must have been new because I caught the “Patrona” (we are getting to her) dancing with her in front of one of the valued customers as if she were guiding her or flaunting her in front of him.

The singers/money makers:

The singers are slightly prettier, way more classy. One sported a long skintight leopard dress; another wore a leather white suite. The singers get up on stage and spend the first fifteen minutes saluting the guests. A waiter stands behind her to the left and whispers in her ear the country of the guests on each table. I referred to Sit El Koll as a microcosm earlier for a specific reason. Each table is usually representative of a different country: Libya, Syria, Lebanon, Yemen etc… Most of the Arab countries gathered under one roof in the name of entertainment.

While singing the guests have the option of showering the singer with money. Literally, showering her with it. If the guest likes what he sees or hears he often walks up to the front of the stage, throws money at her like rice at a wedding. For as long as the guest is flicking bills, the singer is repeating his name: “Abou Ahmad Abou Ahmad Abou Ahmad Abou Ahmad Abou Ahmad Abou Ahmad Abou Ahmad” or sometimes they say the country “Ya Hala bi Libya, Libya, Libya”.  The singer said “Death to Qaddafi” and the Libyan threw his entire stash of cash.

This one man walked up to the stage, grabbed the singer’s hand and in the other hand he began draping a carpet of money in front of her feet and leading her over it by her hand.

The third time we went, we were a large table of Lebanese. One of the very important guests welcomed us by showering our table with money several times.

Now don’t worry we didn’t get to keep the money. There is one man whose only job is to pick up the money that is thrown; I call him the cleaner.

The system works as follows. A guest would give the waiter let’s say 2000 Egyptian pounds. The place would keep 200 EGPs and brings him the rest in fives to throw on the girls of his choice. When the cleaner picks up the money he counts it and places it in a box. All that money goes to the cabaret except a mere 5% that goes to the singer. If the guest decides to shower her with money without going through the cabaret, she gets to keep a third of the amount.

The Patrona:

The big boss! And I do mean BIG. The patrona is the boss; she owns the cabaret and trains the girls. Although she is a roughly big woman, she can dance like no other. You can spot her a mile away as she reeks of pride and superiority. She constantly lurks around the cabaret observing and evaluating.

The Hunchback:

The hunchback is a waiter with a slightly deformed physique. He brings fruits like guavas, bananas oranges and strawberries to the table, along with another tray of nuts, chips and pretzels. He also brings us tea or alcohol should we wish it. He constantly lurks around our table in a “Lurch” type manner.

Team Bonni:

Turn to your left, turn to your right, men are rolling hash cigarettes right on the table. This one man ran out of rolling paper and ordered it from the waiter. Sure enough the waiter pulls out a new pack and sells it to him. Amsterdam, you got nothing on Egypt when it comes to bonni!

That’s all for now folks…

1. I have learned that the sidewalk is a fine place to start a fire; Many a time have I had to cross the street to get past a giant fire made right in the middle of the sidewalk with three or four bums hanging around it…”3adeeeeee”(A word my ears have become accustomed to; meaning “it’s cool” in an everything-goes type attitude).

2. They have a computer mall. Yep, that’s right. That means when you are sitting at your desk and something goes wrong, it could be anything: A broken mouse or keyboard, a cartridge replacement, A4 paper. Whatever it is you may need, relating to your computer, it’s all in one glorious place! That oddly enough has a very decent pool place inside. (And by pool I mean the green table with colored balls that you poke with long sticks with blue powdery tips, not a swimming pool).

3. There is another magical place hidden away in the streets of Cairo, disguised as “sha3be” or low class with dust, dirt and damage everywhere. If you take a closer look at the carelessly piled stacks of clothes on the sidewalk, there are a few pieces only one wash away from becoming shining little pots of gold!

Vero-Moda, Mango Classic, HnM, Eternity, etc…

The black-hole of outlet stores: endless rows of nice quality pieces of clothing hidden among the other rags.

For some reason, the Egyptians only go for the rags, that little name on the back of the collar means absolutely nothing to them, besides they were too expensive for the commoners to buy, but to us, it was ten dollars or less, I kid you not.

Let’s just say I bought 15 quality tops for 100$….I will forever do all my clothes shopping on that street, which I will not reveal the location of, so as to avoid the tourists finding out about it. (As if my blog has paparazzi ).

4. The Cinema is one of my favorite Egyptian phenomenons, whatever you watch will be a comedy.

Whether it is because of the little infant in the arms of the veiled woman sitting next to you at the one o’clock past midnight showing or the inevitable intermission in the middle of the movie, you will walk out speechless from laughter.

My friend was re-telling her experience of when she was watching “The adventures of Tintin” (I thought it was a rather odd choice, but regardless..:

“The graphics were amazing, it turned out to be a really cool movie, and I really got into it, there was this one scene when Tintin was running away and he jumped in the air and he was about to land but the lights came on and the screen went blank and every body left the room to smoke a cigarette. When we came back in, ten minutes later, I was still in shock at the idea of an intermission in a ninety minute movie, and suddenly Tintin hits the floor and continues running…”

5. If you are not married by 22 you are officially a spinster… Most of the people I work with are rather young, yet each and every one of them is married or engaged or recently a father… They reproduce in a freakishly organized systematic way.

It may be that since society frowns upon sex before marriage, their sexual drives make them really impatient to get married, but thats just the talk on the street.

6. The veil can be an extremely useful tool to speak on a cellphone handsfree and the Egyptian women are all in on this. The amount of women that walk on the street with a cellphone tucked into their veil and their mouthes chattering away is startling. I mean is walking in Cairo so terrible that anytime a woman wants to walk on the street she makes a phone call to another woman walking on the street? That is the only way to explain how so many people have so many things to talk about all the time, while walking on the street. There has got to be some kind of memo spreading, that’s all I’m saying.

7. Fifty percent of the population is illiterate, but that’s not the kick. Get this:

Elections are going on now so naturally candidates’ faces are all over the city. At first I thought that a couple of the candidates were getting creative with their “brands” or something because it seemed as though they each chose a logo. Then it hit me and one of our drivers explained that since such a large percentage of the population is illiterate, each candidate chooses a “ramez” or sign so that the people can recognize it on a ballot when voting… A couple examples of the signs are: A flashlight, a suitcase, a fan, an envelope, an axe, must I go on? At least there is something entertaining to look at when stuck in the endlessly stubborn Cairo traffic.

8. In one night I went from “Le Bodega” to “Sit el Koll” (Everyone’s Lady). I think the names of these places perfectly describes their class and type.

Le Bodega, don’t know what it means but sounds fancy and sure as hell is. A nice cozy little pub where you can drink alcohol and where high-class modern Egyptians can mingle. I shook the hand of one of the female candidates that I saw a picture of earlier on the street. Her symbol was a sunflower. I drank some wine in a wine glass (and yes I specified that it was in a wine glass for a reason). The wine I drank was from a bottle that we brought in to the pub ourselves from the Lebanese duty free. We just pay the manager the profit he would normally make from selling a bottle, he gets to keep his bottles and makes the profit either way, and you get to drink Lebanese wine in a small pub in Cairo. Everybody wins, but it’s slightly, dare I say, boringly snobbish.

Later that night we went to “Sit El Koll” which was ever so delightfully located at the intersection of Syria and Sudan. (How cool is that? Those are street names by the way, in case you are a total geography dummy and assumed I meant the actual countries – it could happen).

Behind the wooden door, and by wooden I mean a giant chunk of wood that was hinged to serve as a door, emerged a rainbow of colors. Bright blue lights shone from all over the room, the walls were decorated with what we would normally use on the christmas tree. Grey from the smoke that permeated the air. Red from the shirts that the “entertainer girls” wore. Okay, this is where I must confess that this was in fact a cabaret and it deserves it’s own post with it’s own characters so I will leave this here as a teaser.

9. After living in Cairo long enough you will become immune to the “annoyingness” of flies. I haven’t been here that long. I am still in the very long stage of getting so annoyed of the constant invasions that I am often seen beating myself up.

10. Specifically the five a.m. prayer call is surprisingly invasive. It violates the crap out of the few hours I have to sleep.

11. Last but not least for this post, their drive through system. There is this one place that we stopped at called “My queen” and boy was I treated like one. We pulled in and the waiter came to my window, took my order, took my money, brought me back the change, gratefully accepted the tip that he rightfully earned, brought me my food, and we drove away… and I thought Lebanon’s drive through alcohol joint was cool.

Stay tuned for two very exciting posts coming up soooooon

The first and funniest is:

 Puthy Cat – The Office Boy

Imagine a minuscule man, not quite a midget, but smaller than your average man. He is compact and light on his feet. He prances around the office picking up trash and taking orders for drinks.

“Tithlabi 7aga othtatha Eleena?” Translation: Would you like to drink anything Miss Eleena, with a LITHP! He talks like sylvester so a colleague dubbed him the ever so fitting title of “Puthy cat”.

Some people believe that the black hole in the office that has all our lost pens and stationary, is in fact him.

Some days we spend up to 15 minutes outside the office door ringing the door bell. Why? He has his earphones in and has locked himself in the kitchen. One of these days I will find out what he is listening to.

Malimbo - The House Cleaner

She comes up to me one day while I am making my morning coffee and points at a bottle of whiskey we had sitting in the kitchen.

“See that?” she says. I nod.

“There was one just like it at the boy’s apartment but it was white, I thought it was water, and I drank it.”

My jaw dropped as I realized she was talking about a bottle of vodka, and I stifled my laugh as I remembered that she is veiled outside the walls of our house.

She continues, “I felt fire light up inside me and my head began to spin”

My roommate cackles from an adjacent room  having heard the story and ever so eloquently adds to the conversation by saying “You’re going to Hell!”

I put my hand over my gaping mouth and glance at her, expecting her to be offended.

She laughs and says “That’s okay all my friends are in hell anyway”

She then sits down to light a cigarette and at the sound of her lighter the same roommate yells in protestation. 

“MALIMBO DON’T SMOKE IN THE HOUSE”.

Her name is not really Malimbo, it’s Magda, but she became Malimbo after we saw the Malboro-wanna-be cigarrettes (Malimbo) that she smokes, and boy do they smell….

We spend around 30 minutes after she leaves trying to locate our things, and killing the killer flying ants that she sets loose somehow in the bathroom.

3ammi Abdo – The ‘concierge’

3ammi Abdo is a very old man. He has a very large family. They live on the side of my building. 

When we come home late from work, at 1:00 a.m. sometimes, we stand at the door of his house, a.k.a. the large opening at the side of the building, and yell for him. We watch him wake up, stand up and limp over to the door with a handle.

He hooks the handle to the knob-less gate and lets us in… every time…

He has a giant black spot on his forehead that emerged from the countless times he banged his head on the floor while praying (no disrespect intended).

He is also the neighborhood “Mu’azzen” which means he is the one who calls for prayer at the neighborhood mosque.

It makes us feel less bad for waking him up every-time we want to get into the building knowing he wakes up at 4 a.m. to call for prayer either way.

The Maroon Driver

Allow me first to explain his nickname.

Maroon is brown and brown in Arabic, is bunni.

Bunni, otherwise known as hash, is very common in Egypt. 

We have an on-going game to see who, first, can find the white in his eyes… Nuff said!

This driver is extremely skilled in Egyptian driving. He can climb over sidewalks and push cars out of the way with his vehicle. Not to mention he can punish random citizens for walking too close to the road by hitting them with his mirrors. A very common occurrence…

Roy a.k.a Rami

Now I want to introduce you to Roy purely because of his name.

Roy is a Lebanese fellow who joined us a little later in the game.

My favorite pass time is watching him introduce himself to the Egyptians and watching them fall to the floor from laughter when he tells them his name is Roy.

It wasn’t until later that we discovered Roy is the egyptian equivalent to “Rex” i.e. a famous dog name. 

There is a very famous movie with a famous dog called Roy, it is so famous that even taxi drivers shrink at the sound of a man named Roy. It is almost taboo for them to call him by his real name and so they dubbed him Rami.

That’s all for now folks, stay tuned for more characters or other things I think of…

1. I only learned the value of a shower after I came home a couple shades darker the other day.

2. I learned never to complain about the internet in Lebanon.

3. I learned the value of a cigarette when a taxi driver gave one to the traffic cop and he let us pass despite a red light.

4. I learned that all Egyptians, blue-collar at least, “mish 3ayzeen yishtighlo 3ayzeen foloos” or in other words, they don’t want to work, they want money. A small tip can go a loooooooong way.

5. The “J” is not only pronounced “G” but it is also written that way in English as well. AND MSN Arabic, a.k.a. Arabic written in English letters, is not as wide spread as you would imagine. I can finally watch Adel Imam and understand what he is saying!

6. If they don’t want you to park in a certain area, they will just pop your two front tires.

7. All Egyptians can easily become stand up-comedians. By far, funniest people I have met.

8. “3amle eh?” does NOT mean what are you doing … It means how are you. For a while I thought Egyptians were a really nosy people.

9. All Egyptians loooove Lebanese and Lebanon… or so they say.

That’s all folks… I still have not seen the pyramids, but worry you not, I will make it happen.

Hence I have decided to make up my own mind about Egypt by retelling my experience.

On the first day in Cairo I:

• Rode for thirty minutes in fear for my suitcase that the driver so efficiently placed on the roof of the minivan with no restraints
• Ate a suspicious looking black olive that tasted surprisingly good
• Waited for two hours in the lobby because our rooms were not ready
• Got a full body allergy reaction to something in the air
• And laid down on a pillow that smelled like a sweaty man…

I then became terribly nauseous and on the verge of poisoned (could have been the olive or the pillow, not sure at this point) I opened the curtains to my room and suddenly my nausea disappeared.

The Nile in all its glory was laid out right under my window. A variety of trees and boats laced the edges and Cairo spilled out from behind it.

I thought that was worth it all, but then, night time and fell and it got better!

>sigh<

Stay tuned for more from E’sgypt! Hoping to hit the pyramids soon.

A great way to keep track of all the other websites I’m about to share with you. You can bookmark, highlight, share, and put notes on all your favorite websites in an easy and efficient way.

2. StumbleUpon
Don’t know what’s on the web? Want to find out? StumbleUpon asks about your likes and dislikes and when you hit “Stumble” it pulls out awesome sites that you never knew existed. The more you rate the sites it provides the more it knows your taste. Pretty soon it becomes your best online friend, you will never be bored.

3. hitRECord.org

Know of Joseph Gordon-Levitt? Well, he is much more than just an accomplished actor. His website brings together musicians, filmmakers, writers, animators, photographers, illustrators and many more in a variety of collaborations. They encourage you to share and enjoy their productions. Any profit they make is split 50/50 between the company and the contributing artists. Plus you get to see Joseph sing and he is adorable!

4. F*** My Life and My Life is Average n the Lebanese counterpart K** Ekh* 7ayete
Hilarious accounts that are sure to make you feel better about your own life and if not then maybe you should add your own accounts .

5. Creative Commons A great community where you can get tons of material under a creative commons license: photos, text, videos, anything your heart desires without violating copyright.

6. Dear Photograph

A very sentimental concept where you take an old photograph to the same location it was taken and say something touching.. some are lame but the concept is quite cool. It kills time, most importantly.

-break-

7. Daily Dawdle
Lots of funny “photos, videos and awesomeness”

8. I waste so much time.com pools many hilarious websites that are sure to entertain you, including

• SmartphOwned: Includes many hilarious autocorrect accidents and akward parent texts. Also similar damnyouautocorrect.com.

• Dear blank please blank:
• Dear Noah,
  We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
  Sincerely, Unicorns

9. Post Secret

People from all over the world send in postcards with their deep dark secrets. Some are sure to make the hair on the back of you neck stand up.

10. Audible

Awesome website for downloading audiobooks. They have almost anything. For more info on this website or audiobook see my previous post ‘Ever feel lame cause you don’t read’ or click here.

I know I am always “trying” to read; not very successfully.

I always prowl around book stores for hours, meticulously surveying the options, before I make what I hope are very promising selections. I pay for them excitedly and rush home.

It’s not long before the excitement dies and they get shoved away into a dark dusty corner of my room from where they watch me storm in and out with great urgency.

If I’m really good and I push myself real hard and the book is really interesting, it will only take me like 6 months to get through it. Half a page a day…

Until…

Yes my friends, there is a solution!

Until… a dear friend of mine told me about …*audiobooks*!

Now WAIT! I know that your finger is probably twitching to lead the mouse over to that small x in the corner of this window, but don’t click it!

If you are anything like some of my friends you’re probably thinking “I don’t listen to the teacher in class or read any of the books I’m graded on, why would I be able to enjoy listening to lame audiobooks..?”

You, my friend, are lame if that’s your opinion too because audiobooks are awesome! No kidding.

5 reasons:

1. If you’re like me and those British voices on the Lebanese radio really annoy you and if your entire music collection makes you nauseous because of all the times you’ve sang each song, word for word, you’d like audiobooks. The narrators are usually HILARIOUS and you will almost never hear the same word twice.
2. It’s like watching a movie in your head and you are the director, the producer, almost anything but the screenplay writer. You can do almost anything that requires your attention while “reading a book” and its fun!
3. I don’t know how but it actually pauses wherever you leave it, even if you play something else and go back to it, it’s always right where you left it.
4. Humorist David Sedaris
5. His book “Me talk pretty one day”

2. The Logo changes for tributes, occasions and holidays! They call them Google Doodles.

For example this one is a tribute to Freddie Mercury:

b. Google Maps enough said

1. Google+
2. Google Buzz

Don’t what they were thinking with those…

So I pressed the gas pedal, I floored it and drove right into him. His head flew over my car and landed on the car behind me and then the drivers cheered as they drove over his dead mangled body, and it felt so good to see his blood splatter and his fingers twitch…

Just kidding… that’s what I wanted to do, instead I played the “who gets mad faster” game that us Lebanese love to play on the road and I began yelling inaudibly and looking furious as I took the opportunity that he was standing still to go around him.

That was just one of the MAAAAANNNNNNYYYYYYYY other frustrating occurrences on the road today, and I can’t take it anymore.

I have two words for you that would make EVERYONE’s life a lot easier: LANES and SIGNALS!

Let’s start with Lanes:

1. When you should feel obliged to change lanes:
   If  you are on the left and you are approaching a crossroad or a turn and you want to go right, plan ahead and DON’T BLOCK THE TRAFFIC ON THE LEFT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GO RIGHT !
2. When you SHOULD NOT change lanes:
   When someone is minding their own business in their own lane next to yours and you decide to change lanes without giving a signal and cut in front of them… DON’T!
3. PICK A FRIGGEN LANE!
   It is preposterous how many  people drive in between lanes. The white line that indicates the lane right between their tires! YOU ARE TAKING UP TWO LANES WHEN YOU DO THAT! PAY ATTENTION, PICK A LANE AND STAY IN IT!

Who’s On First” updated for the computer age
 
You have to be old eough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

If Bud  Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their  infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have  turned out something like this:

COSTELLO  CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM  ABBOTT

ABBOTT:  Super  Duper computer store. Can I help  you?

COSTELLO:  Thanks I’m  setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking  about buying a computer.

ABBOTT:  Mac?

COSTELLO:  No, the  name’s Lou.

ABBOTT:  Your  computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT:  Mac?

COSTELLO:  I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT:  What about Windows?

COSTELLO:  Why? Will  it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT:  Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO:  I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT:  Wallpaper.

COSTELLO:  Never mind the windows. I need a computer and  software.

ABBOTT:  Software for Windows?

COSTELLO:  No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write  proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you  have?

ABBOTT:  Office.

COSTELLO:  Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT:  I just did.

COSTELLO:  You just did what?

ABBOTT:  Recommend something.

COSTELLO:  You recommended something?

ABBOTT:  Yes.

COSTELLO:  For my office?

ABBOTT:  Yes.

COSTELLO:  OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT:  Office.

COSTELLO:  Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT:  I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO:  I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting  
At my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT:  Word.

COSTELLO:  What  word?

ABBOTT:  Word in Office.

COSTELLO:  The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT:  The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO:  Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT:  The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO:  I’m going to click your blue ‘W’ if you don’t start with some straight answers.
What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT:  Money.

COSTELLO:  That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT:  Money.

COSTELLO:  I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT:  It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO:  What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:  Money.

COSTELLO:  Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT:  Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO:  I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT:  One copy.

COSTELLO:  Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT:  Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO:  They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT:  Why not?  THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT:  Super Duper computer store. Can I help  you?

COSTELLO:  How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT:  Click on  ‘START’…